A day that shall go down in the history books. An important day for all mankind. A day celebrated across the entire inhabited earth. I refer of course to March 11, 2014, “World Plumbing Day.”
In honor of World Plumbing Day, we decided to move the toilet out of the attic, where, admittedly, it was not especially handy, and install it in the bathroom, where, we hoped, it would be more useful. My ever-loving wife, “Poopsie” (not her real name), and I have been replacing the vinyl flooring in the bathroom with porcelain tile and the water closet floor was now finished and ready for the toilet.
Making the perilous trek from our upstairs bedroom to the downstairs bathroom in the middle of the night while the upstairs toilet was out of commission was sub-optimal but Poopsie didn’t complain as much as I did.
In our area of the country, mosquitoes and no-see-ums own the outdoors and my ever-loving wife, “Arbutus” (not her real name, but I suspect you knew that already), has always wanted a screen porch. Our house has a nice big deck but no screens and, as much as I like a challenge, it is not a trivial matter to put a roof over the deck in order to screen it in. Sometimes it is just easier to buy another house that already has the screen porch.
And that is what we did.
Buy a beach house and get a screen porch for free!
The beach house has many nice features but the screen porch overlooking the lagoon clinched the deal for Arbutus. (She likes it when I call her “Beautie.”) I knew she wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t buy that beach house. And if Beautie ain’t happy then ain’t nobody happy.
What comes to your mind when you hear the word “lagoon”? If you said mosquitoes you are on the right track. The real bugaboo (a rather apt word) is the unseen world of little biting insects commonly called no-see-ums. Continue reading Coming to a big screen near you→
The Hardibacker had gone up pretty well over the furring strips (see “(Door) size matters“) so we were ready to stick the sheets of glass tiles on the shower walls. You might think that 12″ x 12” sheets would automatically result in a perfectly straight pattern but you would be wrong. Don’t ask me how I know this.
Before we started troweling mastic on the walls, my ever-loving wife, “Toots” (not her real name), and I measured 12″ intervals and snapped chalk lines on the walls so we would have a fighting chance of getting the tiles straight. It is theoretically possible to snap chalk lines single-handedly but it is a whole lot easier when you have Toots. (Insert your own joke here.)
Stirred not shaken
Glass tiles present a challenge because glass doesn’t absorb any water, unlike tile or stone, and the mortar has to dry in order to bond with the wall. So it is important to get the right balance of water and mortar powder.
I chucked a paint stirrer in an electric drill, put on a dust mask (you really need one, trust me), poured half the water in a 5-gallon bucket and then added half of the mortar powder and tried to avoid the dust plume.
At a friend’s house, the kitchen lights go out when she turns on the carrot juice blender. Being a loyal reader of Gary’s Fix, you say, “Not to worry. I read the ‘How to shut off the power‘ article and I’ll fix it.”
You grab a flashlight and head down into the nether regions in search of the electric panel. But when you open the cover it isn’t what you expected. Many older homes have a fuse box instead of a circuit breaker panel for protecting the electrical circuits. A fuse box looks like this.
The fuse box has a fuse for each electrical circuit in the house.
The fuses are the blue or orange cylinders that are screwed into the sockets in the fuse box as if they were mini light bulbs.
Protect the wires
The purpose of a fuse is to protect the wires in the walls of the house so that they don’t get too hot and start a fire. Fuses are not there to protect the blender!
Forget Masters and Johnson or Dr. Ruth. Where size really matters is shower doors.
With the basin for our new shower glued down just as nice as you please (see “Basin or Mason“), we turned our attention to walls and doors. The walls were going to be covered with 1” glass tiles.
My ever-loving wife, “Jenny Mae” (not her real name), wanted frameless glass doors because they look the best, which they do. It turns out you can get them either “exact fit” or with side pieces that can adjust an inch or so wider or narrower. The side pieces kind of clutter up the clean look so we opted for the exact fit.
Measure twice (OK, about 10 times) and order once
The pressure was on this Math major to measure the door opening precisely. The rough opening was 60″. The tiles are glued on sheets of 1/2″ thick Hardibacker, which is like cement backer board but a whole lot lighter and easier to work with. Two sides make it 1″. Subtract that from 60″ and we should order doors 59″ wide. Done.
The fur starts to fly
The next step is to get the walls ready for the tile. But before you screw the 1/2″ backer board to the studs, the instructions said to put 1/4″ furring strips on the studs to keep the backer board inside the little walls of the shower pan. For those of you animal rights activists, furring strips are strips of wood not whatever else you might be thinking. Continue reading (Door) size matters→
After defeating the fiberglass dragon (see “Ripping out a fiberglass shower“), it was time to select a shower basin for the new glass tile shower. Showers tend to spray water everywhere and the shower basin has to collect all of that water running down the walls and funnel it into the drain.
Masons get paid to play with mud
The old-school way to do a shower floor is to “mud” it, which means you get a big pile of mortar and shape it with a trowel so that the water will run downhill from any direction into the drain. Let’s just say it requires some skills that we don’t possess (and aren’t interested in acquiring).
Order a basin to go
Back in Manhattan “The Little Apple,” Kansas, my ever-loving wife, “Penelope” (not her real name), and I had built a master bedroom suite with a marble tile shower. We found a place where we could order a cultured marble shower basin and I described the dimensions to the salesman over the phone because it was a couple of years B.E. (Before Email). It came in a big, heavy crate.
It fit perfectly and worked well but it was pretty expensive. Did I mention it was really heavy?
This time around we were looking for something lighter and less expensive. That’s in addition to it being water-tight, except of course for that big hole in the middle for the drain. Continue reading Basin or mason→
We had turned off the heat in the house while we were gone for a few days (which saves a lot of electricity, by the way) and turned it back on using a web app about three hours before we returned. That remote control of the temperature is a very handy feature.
Normally it takes 2 – 3 hours to get the house back up to a comfortable room temperature if we let it get down into the 50s. It was pretty chilly outside when we arrived and my ever-loving wife, “Gladys” (not her real name), said it felt good to be inside. The indoor temperature, however, was still in the lower 60s downstairs. Upstairs was fine, Continue reading The return should suck more→
For some reason I am always cold sitting at the kitchen table in our house. My back and the table feel just frigid anytime the outside temperature is below 60. My ever-loving wife, “Francine” (not her real name), on the other hand doesn’t complain as much about it. Her chair is in the middle of the room while mine is near the outside wall. So, being the quick study that I am, after 5 years of shivering I started wondering if cold air could be coming in through the windows or the floor.
Whence the air?
We had replaced the 1923-era windows with triple-pane units a couple of years ago so they really shouldn’t be the source of the cold air. I took a closer look, or should I say feel, and found cold air leaking between the floor and the molding at the base of the wall. This is not a place that anyone talks about as a source for cold air. “Caulk the windows. Caulk the doors. Yada, yada, yada.” But they don’t tell you to caulk the floor.
The cold air was pouring through that crack at the floor. It was also coming in around the outlets near the floor. (If you want to feel for air leaks just get your hand wet and hold it near suspicious spots.)
We have a sun room in the front of the house and it too always seems cold in the winter and warm in the summer. The wooden windows don’t fit very well so I had previously screwed the lower sash to the upper sash of each window to stop some of the air flow. But there was still plenty of air coming in from the great outdoors. Placing my hand along the floor-to-wall molding in the sun room confirmed that even more cold winter air was pouring through those cracks than in the kitchen. Continue reading Air is devious→
My ever-loving wife, “Maggie” (not her real name), has been complaining recently that it is too dark to read in bed and that is why she just goes to sleep when she crawls in. Well, maybe. I gave her the benefit of the doubt on this one and ordered a Bruck Ledra Resort LED gooseneck reading light that you mount in the wall above the bed. It has the on-off switch at the business end of the gooseneck so I figured Maggie could be half-asleep and still turn it off. I felt this was an important feature.
This type of light mounts in a utility box in the wall just like a regular light switch or outlet. So I had to cut a hole in the wall, run some wire from there inside the wall and splice it to an existing outlet. This can be challenging but I had a plan. I could get to the back side of the wall that the bed is against by simply going in the little attic behind the wall. I would cut the square hole for utility box from the bedroom side and then go in the attic to feed the wire through holes in the studs to an outlet. Easy-peasy. Continue reading Goosey LED reading light→
The voice on the other end of the line said, “Uh, Mr. Pardun? This is Security.” Conversations that start out like that generally do not bring good news.
“Your water pipes have sprung a leak. We’ve shut off the water to your house.”
It was cold last week. Really cold. The polar vortex swirled down out of Canada, through the Midwest and Northeast, and froze the pipes of our beach house all the way down in coastal South Carolina. That just ain’t right.
Beach houses in our area are built on top of large poles to keep them above any storm surge caused by a hurricane. This means that the main water line runs totally exposed from the ground up 10 feet to the house itself. If this isn’t a prime target for freezing, I don’t know what is.
When we arrived at the house, I asked my ever-loving wife, “Molly” (not her real name), to watch the pipes while I turned the water main back on. It’s not that I wanted her to be the one to get sprayed, of course, but I had to be the one to kneel down in the dirt to turn the valve. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
When I turned on the main, the water sprayed out of the pipe feeding the outdoor shower in Molly’s general direction a few feet away from the main water supply pipe and not the main pipe itself. This was excellent news. We could easily turn off the shower shutoff without turning off the water to the whole house.