A day that shall go down in the history books. An important day for all mankind. A day celebrated across the entire inhabited earth. I refer of course to March 11, 2014, “World Plumbing Day.”
In honor of World Plumbing Day, we decided to move the toilet out of the attic, where, admittedly, it was not especially handy, and install it in the bathroom, where, we hoped, it would be more useful. My ever-loving wife, “Poopsie” (not her real name), and I have been replacing the vinyl flooring in the bathroom with porcelain tile and the water closet floor was now finished and ready for the toilet.
Making the perilous trek from our upstairs bedroom to the downstairs bathroom in the middle of the night while the upstairs toilet was out of commission was sub-optimal but Poopsie didn’t complain as much as I did.
With the simultaneous arrival of World Plumbing Day and the completion of the floor we knew the stars were aligned to give Poopsie a potty.
Toilets are rather simple devices. Water goes from a pipe in the wall into the tank and then when you flush the toilet it all goes down a hole in the floor. One input. One output. That last part is key. It all goes down a hole in the floor. You don’t want anything to leave the toilet and not go down that hole, if you know what I mean.
That’s why the wax ring is so important. You never heard of a wax ring? It’s one of those unsung heroes that you should be very, very thankful for. It keeps the “output” in the drain, which is where the vast majority of people (both red and blue states) want it.
Fortunately, a wax ring is only a few dollars.
Then I gave the toilet a bear hug and set it down over the drain flange in the floor with the toilet bolts sticking up through the slots.
At this point the toilet had a lot of play because the wax ring was holding it off the floor. Somehow the wax needs to be squished down to make a water-tight (and “output”-tight) seal around the drain. The directions say to use body weight to do it. In other words, sit your bohunkus on the toilet and shake your booty.
It takes some self-discipline to sit on a toilet and not do business as usual. You have been warned.
Speaking of business, Poopsie is glad to be near her place of business. It reminds me of the May twins, Tom and Joe, who used to used to do a routine that included “And when we potty, we potty hotty.”
Either way, I’m just glad the United Nations (I assume they are responsible) rose above the usual daily rancor and demonstrated tremendous worldwide unity in proclaiming World Plumbing Day. They got some real business done. And now Poopsie can too.